Last week we established the role of the giver of feedback and some strategies to improve that part of the dynamic.
In this article, we focus on the receiver and how we can improve our skills and strategies.
in any exchange of feedback between the giver and receiver, it is actually the receiver who’s in charge. They’re the ones who decide what they’re going to let in, and the sense they are going to make of it, and whether they choose to change.
Sheila Heen
Some might say the receiver is the most important element of the feedback dynamic.
: Learn more about the August Throughline
This month, our throughline for dialogue and reflection is The First Principles of Feedback: Harness the Fundamentals of Effective Critique. We explore the various components of the feedback dynamic, including a return to the basics, what makes a difference in giving and receiving critique, and a cycling metaphor to stretch our thinking.
What goes wrong when receiving feedback?
Let’s start by exploring the typical traps and issues when receiving feedback. As you explore these scenarios, tune into your experiences and stories of when feedback didn’t work.
Too Quick to Judge
When connection and trust are missing, the receiver might be too quick to judge the content of the feedback. They seek out the loophole that enables them to dismiss it outright. When this happens, we tend to get upset and defensive rather than curious and open.
Losing Sight of the Goal
It is easy to forget why we asked for feedback in the first place or why we are having this conversation. We can lose sight of the goal and get caught up in our egos. Remember, the goal is to improve, not to be correct.
Not Being Ready
Sometimes we are just not ready to hear feedback. Our brain is not in a state to take it in. This can be for various reasons, such as being too tired or overwhelmed.
Misinterpret the Signal
The receiver of feedback can often misinterpret the signal. They might think the feedback is about them when it is really about their behaviour. Or the feedback signal gets scrambled in transit and is heard as something it wasn’t intended to be.
Defend Your Ideas
As we invest time and energy in our projects, we get attached to our ideas and view feedback as an attack we must defend. It is important to remember that feedback is about the idea, not about you as a person.
Imprecise Invitations
One of the most common pitfalls of the feedback dynamic is an imprecise invitation. This is when the receiver doesn’t clarify what kind of feedback they are looking for. We fall back on lazy language such as “What do you think?” or “Does this look good?” These types of invitations usually result in vague and unhelpful feedback.
Too Late
If feedback is received and understood, there needs to be a response. This next action response takes time and draws on resources. A typical trap is when valid feedback arrives too late to be helpful, and there is a lack of opportunity to act.
Misaligned Expectations
When there is a misalignment of expectations, it can often lead to frustration on both sides. The receiver might expect detailed feedback, and the giver wasn’t prepared to go into that level of detail. Alternatively, the giver might have thought they were helpful, but the receiver didn’t want or need that level of detail at that time.
What strategies make the biggest difference?
We have explored the typical traps and issues that occur when receiving feedback; now, let’s look at what we can do to make the experience more positive.
Here are a few key strategies with the most significant leverage in the feedback dynamic.
Explain What Feedback You Need
This might seem an obvious strategy, but it is often overlooked. Be clear about what kind of feedback you need and why you need it. This will help the person giving feedback to understand your perspective and give you the best possible chance to get the feedback you are looking for.
Sheila Heen, Professor of practice at Harvard Law School and author of Thanks for the feedback. The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well talks about three types of feedback, coaching, appreciation and evaluation.
So one is appreciation, “I see you, and I get you. And I notice what you’re doing well and how hard you’re trying”. The second is coaching. Coaching is anything designed to help you get better, more skilful, knowledgeable, and effective. And the third is evaluation. Evaluation rates or ranks you. It says here’s the set of expectations, and here’s how you’re doing and where you stand. All of us need all three kinds to learn and grow, but we need different types at different times.
Sheila Heen
For example, if you are working on a presentation, you might say, “I am looking for some coaching feedback on the structure of the presentation and whether the argument is clear. I have just started and am open to making some big changes.”
This precise invitation offers the person giving feedback a specific focus and enables them to provide more targeted and helpful coaching.
Another positive benefit of explaining what you need more precisely is communicating an expectation. This helps to counter misaligned expectations discussed earlier.
Do not neglect the importance of controlling the timing of the feedback conversation too. Make it timely, but also schedule a time when you know you will be able to engage in the conversation fully and have the resources available to take action.
Take this further with the :30% Feedback Strategy and the tactic of sharing a :Progress Bar.
Stay Curious
One of the most valuable insights I have gained from studying the feedback dynamic is remembering we do not need to accept the feedback. Just because it has been shared does not automatically mean it is accurate or we need to take action.
It can be helpful to think of feedback as an invitation to explore and learn rather than an order to change. This requires us to enter the conversation with curiosity rather than defensiveness.
I don’t think you have to take the advice. But being curious about it and starting that conversation can often actually improve the relationship.
Curiosity is essential in receiving feedback effectively, even if the message or content is not that useful. There is always something to explore a little further and understand. Some helpful clarifying questions you can ask to stay curious are:
- Can you tell me more about what you saw?
- What specifically did I do or say that led you to that conclusion?
- Do other people see it the same way?
- How would you suggest I approach this differently next time?
- Can you share more about why you described it like that?
- Do you have any examples?
Curiosity helps to unscramble the feedback signal. Staying curious prevents us from falling into the trap of misinterpreting what someone has shared in a feedback or critique session.
All it takes is to stay curious for a little longer, resist the urge to judge and ask a few more questions.
Aim for a Dialogue
OK, so you have taken the first two steps, explained what kind of feedback you are looking for, and stayed curious about the message being delivered. The third strategy to strive for, as a receiver of feedback, is to aim for dialogue.
I appreciate how Sheila Heen talks about the message that comes with the feedback. This highlights how we depend on different participants in the feedback dynamic.
The feedback I have for someone else reflects at least as much about my implicit rules and expectations and assumptions about how we should work together and my preferences and style for that collaboration as it does your behaviour, right? Because it’s about the combination of you and me and how that’s working.
Sheila Heen
Dialogue requires balance and shared responsibility for success. Something I introduce at the start of my meetings or workshops. We aim for collective responsibility; it can’t just be a transmission of feedback information.
:Explore how David Bohm defines dialogue.
But when we limit our expectations to surface-level behaviours such as taking turns and not interrupting, we miss the opportunity to tap into a deeper connection. We miss the chance to approach a feedback conversation as a dialogue, even if that is something ambitious to strive for.
Here are some practical ways to increase the likelihood of your feedback sessions up levelling to dialogue.
- Invite questions and comments: When you share your perspective, clarify that you welcome questions and discussion. This helps to avoid the feeling that you are being attacked or put on the defensive.
- Acknowledge different perspectives: If there is disagreement about what happened or how to interpret something, try to explore that difference of opinion. See if there is a way to understand the other person’s perspective – see stay curious above.
- Relax into sharing ideas: For dialogue to happen, we need to be OK with not knowing all the answers. We need to feel safe enough to share our ideas, even if they are half-formed or might be wrong. Through sharing ideas and meaning, we switch into a dialogic mode of talk.
Dialogue aligns with creativity. Through our talk, we create new, original ideas that have value to your professional practice. When we are free to express ourselves this way, we move away from analysing the problem or feeling isolated from resolving it; we collaborate and develop new ideas.
🗣💬 Your Talking Points
Lead a team dialogue with these provocations
- One of the most common pitfalls of the feedback dynamic is an imprecise invitation.
- Just because feedback has been shared does not automatically mean it is accurate or we need to take action.
- Curiosity helps to unscramble the feedback signal.