Today we explore communication lessons from professionals who rely on their listening skills. I have curated lessons from several professional roles to cut through the typical advice we hear.
Let’s go beyond the standard guidance to uncover the difference, which makes the difference, and become better listeners.
#284 | September 23, 2022 | Tom x Midjourney
The Spy Catcher
Once you understand what they think is prosperity from their point of view, you know exactly what they’re going to do every minute of the day.
Robin Dreeke recruited foreign spies for the FBI. He mastered his listening skills by running the behavioural analysis programme for counter-intelligence for twenty-one years.
In conversation with Oscar Trimboli, he anchors successful listening to understanding what prosperity means to your counterpart.
Robin Dreeke shares four secrets to highly effective listening, which shift the entire conversation to be about the other person.
- Seek their thoughts and opinions because we only seek the thoughts and opinions of people with whom we want to affiliate with and value.
- Talk in terms of their priorities, of what’s important to them. If you don’t know what they are, a vital priority of all human beings is safety, security, and prosperity for themselves, first and foremost.
- Validate their thoughts and opinions without judging them, who they are, what they are, and their ethics or morals.
- Empower them with choices because you only give people options you value and want to affiliate with.
For me, the importance of understanding prosperity cuts through the usual advice about effective listening.
In preparation for meetings, we can use the simple reflection: what does prosperity mean? Use questions during an interaction to learn more about their priorities.
The Samaritan
The volunteers at Samaritans put their listening skills to use in some of the most extreme moments in people’s lives.
Samaritans is a registered charity in the UK and the Republic of Ireland, providing emotional support to anyone in emotional distress, struggling to cope or at risk of suicide.
Volunteers go through rigorous training in active listening techniques. As its senior learning and development officer, Lucia Capobianco, explains, you have to give people the space and unhurried attention to share what is on their minds.
When they’ve got everything out, you can start to talk to them. You acknowledge their anger and say you are sorry this is happening to them, then lower your voice and say: ‘Where would you like to start?’ If someone is agitated and you start trying to come in with questions, you just make them more agitated, and the conversation doesn’t work.
What lessons from critical services like Samaritans can we apply in our personal and professional relationships?
Samaritans have published some active listening tips we can use to support people who are struggling. I have edited their guidelines for succinctness below.
- Show you care – focus on the other person, make eye contact, put away your phone – resolve not to talk about yourself.
- Have patience – the person sharing shouldn’t feel rushed, or they won’t feel it’s a safe environment. Pause and allow time for them to formulate what they are saying.
- Use open questions – these questions don’t impose a viewpoint and require a person to pause, think, reflect, and hopefully expand.
- Say it back – check you’ve understood, but don’t interrupt or offer a solution—an excellent way to reassure them they have your undivided attention.
- Have courage – don’t be put off by a negative response, and, most importantly, don’t feel you have to fill a silence.
What stands out to me is the importance of the unhurried cadence of successful listening.
As listeners, we are not hurrying to an answer, solution or decision. We hold the space with caring acknowledgement and validation.
[You may also notice the active listening tips make up the acronym SHUSH, another reminder of what listening is all about]
The Hostage Negotiator
According to Albert Mehrabian, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Los Angeles, only 7% of the meaning of a message is in spoken words, 38% is in the tone of voice, and 55% is in body language.
His 1971 book Silent Messages outlines the importance of non-verbal communication, or what he calls ‘paralanguage’.
Mehrabian’s research has been widely misinterpreted to suggest only 7% of communication is verbal. This overly simplistic interpretation does not consider the communication’s context and nuance.
Nonetheless, his work highlights the importance of careful and appropriate communication. It provokes us to consider our non-verbal cues in communication and how they can often be more important than spoken words.
This is something hostage negotiators are well aware of. As former FBI special agent and crisis negotiator Chris Voss explains, the key to successful negotiation is understanding it’s not about winning or losing; it’s about connection.
Emotions aren’t the obstacles to a successful negotiation; they are the means.
Chris Voss is also the author of Never Split the Difference, a book in which he outlines the negotiation techniques he used as a hostage negotiator during his twenty-four years with the FBI.
- Observe your counterpart’s body language – Nonverbal communication is essential in negotiations, and you should try to build a working relationship with your negotiating partner.
- Notice inconsistencies between spoken words and nonverbal behaviour – this incongruence might reveal something missing or unspoken. Perhaps you can explore the gap with a question or two.
- Monitor your counterpart’s speaking patterns – people who are being dishonest tend to use more words and effort than necessary to communicate their point.
- Learn to use different vocal tones – as we established with Mehrabian’s seminal work, the tone of your voice accounts for 38% of the meaning of your communication. Change the meaning of what you say by changing how you say it.
- Calibrate your nonverbal communication – effective communication relies on your ability to respond to the signals you notice from your counterpart.
The edited suggestions above are from How to Use the 7-38-55 Rule to Negotiate Effectively, an article from Masterclass featuring Chris Voss.
To finish, I want to underline the relevance of noticing a gap.
In moments of incongruence between words and paralanguage, we might reflect on what our instincts tell us.
⏭🎯 Your Next Steps
Commit to action and turn words into works
- To understand priorities, ask, “what does prosperity mean for them?”
- Look for spaces between what is said and how it is said, revealing missing information.
- Notice the pace of your conversation and consider slowing things down to encourage reassurance and validation.
🗣💬 Your Talking Listening Points
Lead a team dialogue with these provocations
- Why am I fearful of silence?
- This is not about me being heard.
- Am I ready to listen without judgement?