The collision of commitments caused by COVID restrictions highlights our priorities. What we once thought was important dwindles in our estimations.
The structures of life are stressed and challenged, which reveals what we value and what remains true.
I know you grapple with the ‘great struggle’ of our times, the ‘ultimate juggle’ of professional and personal commitments intertwined. Or perhaps it is the equilibrium between productivity and presence, as Maria Popova describes it.
Of course, we are talking about our work/life balance. I endeavour to update my mental models around this concept, and I want to share some progress.
You will be pleased to see we begin on a practical footing. Your first step to updating your mental model for professional and personal commitments is a ‘find a replace’.
Find what: balance
Replace with: cycle
Yes, replace all.
The current understanding of work-life balance is too simplistic. People find it hard to balance work with family, family with self, because it might not be a question of balance. Some other dynamic is in play, something to do with a very human attempt at happiness that does not quantify different parts of life and then set them against one another. We are collectively exhausted because of our inability to hold competing parts of ourselves together in a more integrated way. ~ David Whyte
Let’s move from seeing this as a binary or opposites to a cycle of change and inquiry.
What could a cycle of inquiry look like?
Here are five phrases to reflect, adapt and take action (repeat). I summarise and adapt the work of researchers Ioana Lupu of ESSEC Business School in France and Mayra Ruiz-Castro of the University of Roehampton in the UK.
1) Pause and denormalise.
- What am I sacrificing?
- How are they impacting my personal life?
- What is currently causing me stress, unbalance, or dissatisfaction?
- How are these circumstances affecting how I perform and engage with my job?
2) Pay attention to your emotions.
- Do I feel energised, fulfilled, satisfied?
- Or do I feel angry, resentful, sad?
A rational understanding of the decisions and priorities driving your life is important, but equally important is emotional reflexivity — that is, the capacity to recognise how a situation is making you feel. Awareness of your emotional state is essential to determine the changes you want to complete in your work and your life.
3) Reprioritise.
- What am I willing to sacrifice, and for how long?
- If I have been prioritising work over family, why do I feel it is important to prioritise my life in this way?
- What regrets do I already have, and what will I regret if I continue along my current path?
4) Consider your alternatives.
- Are there components of your job that you would like to see changed?
- How much time would you like to spend with your family, or on hobbies?
Before jumping into solutions, first, reflect on your work and life aspects that could be different to better align with your priorities.
5) Implement changes.
Ioana Lupu and Mayra Ruiz-Castro describe two different action settings.
- a “public” change — something that explicitly shifts your colleagues’ expectations
- a “private” change — in which you informally change your work patterns, without necessarily attempting to change your colleagues’ expectations.
The key takeaway is not the phases — you can create whatever suits you — after all, it is a simple inquiry sequence. You know this cycle already.
What is critical is the change in your mental model from balance to cycle.
Change starts with your mental models and the language frames you use. It is not a balance +/- it is a continuous reflexive process of review and improvement.
Your Talking Points
Beyond the critical questions highlighted above, here are some further provocations:
- What assumptions are you holding on to?
- Why does the balance mental model not work for you?
- What will it take to shift to a sustained level of practice?
- How do other people’s expectations of you create pressure?
- What are you going to stop doing to make this work a priority?
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