I stumbled on this post from Jamie Portman about building better relationships. He, in turn, was re-sharing a document from L30 Relational Systems that outlines 33 ideas to think about when valuing relationships.
Jamie shared a couple of ideas that resonated and thought I would do the same. Here is what sticks out to me.
11. The language we use creates the reality we experience + 12. The language we use to describe an experience often becomes the experience.
I am always conscious of the language that we are using. It can make ideas accessible to everyone or put up a barrier. Paying attention to the different types of language we use and how much of it is shared is an essential step towards changing a culture.
27. Most people don’t listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply (Covey)
This is from Stephen Covey’s book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. You can see an excerpt here where he talks about empathic listening.
When another person speaks, we’re usually “listening” at one of four levels. We may be ignoring another person, not really listening at all. We may practice pretending. “Yeah. Uh-huh. Right.” We may practice selective listening, hearing only certain parts of the conversation. We often do this when we’re listening to the constant chatter of a preschool child. Or we may even practice attentive listening, paying attention and focusing energy on the words that are being said. But very few of us ever practice the fifth level, the highest form of listening, empathic listening.
An excerpt from The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (1989) by Stephen R. Covey.
Empathic listening is something we can all get better at. I have from continual practice – centre on the speaker, active presenteeism, use their words back to them.
28. Speak only if it improves the silence (Gandhi)
We have so few opportunities to reflect and think in our busy lives. Thinking time is a scarce commodity – especially in discussion and dialogue. I try and build in individual thinking time to most developmental activities ahead of group sharing – it always helps.
Another robust protocol inline with this is the idea of WAIT or Why Am I Talking? A potent reminder about the value we may or may not be adding to the talk.
One of my favourite maxims and something I wrote down when I started Dialogic Learning is to
“Listen twice as much as you talk.”
One of the strengths of this and the Why Am I Talking? protocol is that it encourages us to carefully reflect on what we are sharing and think about our thinking.
Any habits and protocols that encourage us to slow down a little are precious at improving the quality of our dialogue and discussion — in turn, improving the quality of our relationships.
18. There are always three truths, my truth, your truth and the truth
When I read this, I think about the time I have considered someone else’s perspective or attempted to challenge assumptions about the way things are. Seeking a shared truth is so important in relationships.
I might consider an idea relatively non-threatening, but someone else will bring their lense and bias to it – perhaps feeling anxiety and fear.
Their perception is their truth.
This connects with our need to increase our empathy quotient (another type of EQ, perhaps) if we are to build better relationships. First of all, we have to be aware that the person we are with sees what we see differently. Then perhaps we can find a way to share the truth with them.
When we see the world through the power of relationships it:
allows us to see the people around us not as enemies or as mere instruments to our success, but as allies in our journey. We are human beings, not “human resources”.
Paolo Gallo – Why positive relationships at work matter more than you think
Have a look at the full list and let me know in the comments below, what resonates with you the most.
Featured image by Andrea Tummons